The Grain

Posted by Alicja Aratyn on 16th Oct 2015

Love is like a grain – at the beginning it looks like nothing special, but with a proper care and nourishment it grows into something quite spectacular.

Love is mostly taken for granted. We love our children – people say “unconditionally”, which is questionable to me. Children love parents. We love our pets. Pets love us back. So – why can’t we generate a decent amount of love for other human beings and – even stranger - for ourselves? Why does a dog not have to “deserve” to be loved but husband/wife should? Why do we have to work so hard to be loved by ourselves?

I know that there is an enormous amount of books, lectures and meditations etc. on that topic. It is the most spoken about and, in a sense, abused issue, yet – there is no one great, majestic solution to the problem!

When we go through life and our childhood dreams begin to diminish one after another, when we meet people and sometimes face rejections and disappointments, we slowly loose our ability to hold on to the idea that we are great, lovable and loved, we loose what we once believed in as children. We become isolated and closed of. We somehow become dependent on those, who accept us. We do not need to mention here, that we ourselves are not a part of this group!

So how and why this process to a smaller or larger degree happens to everyone, without failing for centuries before us and probably will continue going for much longer? Sometimes I think that it is because we are all trying too hard to fit into the always-changing expectations of family, community, country and humanity. That, due to the lack of self-value and self-appreciation, everything and everybody is heard lauder then us.

When I talk to my clients during sessions, I have a strong need to remind them that what I hear are mostly stories and desires of others. When I ask clients about their own goals and dreams, they pause and… continue talking in a very general manner. It becomes so hard for us to talk about us! How can we satisfy ourselves and our expectations if we long forgotten what they are. I know that some of us write goals monthly, yearly etc. But if you would look at them is there much about yourself? How you plan to meet your own spiritual and emotional needs?

Do you sometimes mark your calendar to have a “date with yourself”? To be alone, to do what you love to do or – to do nothing, just go for a walk and hear yourself. Again – I know you will say you do not have time for that. Really? How then do you find time (and every time) when your child has a dentist appointment? When you need to do shopping? Prioritization!

So why are you not on the top of your list? Can you answer this question truly? Can you admit to yourself that you are not important or – the least important? Of course this will not solve all of your problems, but it could be a good place to start. I did it. What it took for me was a long and a very deep burn out, which bed-ridden me for some time to understand the need for it. I still tend to slip away from it, but at least I am aware of it and come back on track. When you do something, it begins to grow – like a plant from the grain. Then you water it with just a little more – maybe more attention to what you hear inside your head, maybe some social life, if you like it. Do something. We all seek help outside, when it is inside. I am not against reaching out for assistance, since it is the core of my work with people; I am pro self-involvement in the process. That’s why my clients always get ”homework” to do in between sessions.

My friend sent me an e-mail a few days ago and asked: “what is the difference between a parachute and a brain?” None, if you do not use it. When it is closed it is useless. Use your brain to communicate with yourself. Most people look for help in the right brain hemisphere only (it is very trendy now), where many things look easy, but also kind of childish. But when you ad logic of left hemisphere to it and modify everything to the point that your whole brain is involved, you are a winner!

Small idea, like a grain, grows. When you find that small amount of love for yourself and begin to nourish it, it will grow as well. That’s the rule. You will appreciate it even more, since it is your own achievement.

Congratulations!